Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Can't understand what's going on in life, so many things seems to be the end, or a pause, but if I'm to look at things differently, there will be a different result, is that it?
I know that since I have decided to do something, I shouldn't think so much about it anymore, because that decision is made. I miss the old days, but who am I to think that those days will help me anyway? The past is there to reflect and change on, and whatever happens now is the changes of the past.
I've gotta stop cheating myself, even in the smallest of terms, my heart knows what's right, why can't I even listen to my own spirit? I know that by leaving this part of my life I would gain another, but why do I want to keep this part so much?! Memories and feelings can never merge, one last forever, one last only for a moment.
Who am I to decide on what He has already decided many Eons ago? I can't bring my case and enter His courts with righteousness, for I myself know I'm wrong... Hey come on, build up some faith! Even if I win this case, it would only be because He allows free will, but I'm still wrong in the end. Never am I going to win, I can't pit myself against Him, it's wrong and crazy.
I'm just a man, I can't never alter my own fate, I can only improve on it. I believe so that He has created a future that is so wonderfully made just for me, and yet, I still carve out this little path for me to run in and hide. Why prove myself to Him that I can do something different? Why not save the energy and prove to others instead?!
Sorry that I'm so confused right now... But still, I won't decide how I fall. I will decide how I grow, on Your path, and YOURS alone. Pitiful am I, staying on a thin rope while I can walk on the bricks. Anyway, let's see what You planned, alright? I truly give up myself, I don't have the energy to fight You anymore, I know I can't, and I won't.
I look forward to understanding more, even if it means for me to break down more chapters in my life. After all, it's the old chapters I'm getting rid of, this is a new book, a new look, new story, even though it's the same title.
"I will never pit myself against You, whatever You decide, will Be and Must Be mine." - Alvin.
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 11:33:00 PM
