Monday, November 2, 2009
[--
Natural disaster of the heart. --]
There are just so many things that I can think which is bad about myself and destroy my spirit. Matters of life are just a bit hard on me I guess... I finally knew what is my biggest weakness : Not being able to even understand my own heart.
I tried to search for dreams that I have inside of me, but failed. Without any vision from God in the past, I'm not sure where in the world would I even be, with an empty heart that cannot think on it's own. I'm always laid back, doing things with ease, to the extent of hurting myself I can also do something if I want to...
I'm always being prompted to do some things, but I'm not sure if it's by myself or God. Some things that I can't face, some things that I can't do to make others happy... I feel bad sometimes, not being able to help with many things. Hahaha, I guess I'm made to really be a helper to others? No wonder my vision includes helping people...
Sigh... If only I can totally control this heart of mine, I will not want to have feelings that will make me emotional. Nothing comes easy, besides... The stupid devil is always there waiting to strike, I wouldn't have anytime to rest.
What Pastor Lia preached really made me come to realise that the next level of 4th dimension is to really have the same mindset as God. I wonder if having the reality of me being a really simple son of God would make me be better in my character? I mean does that applies to this too? I'm not sure...
For now, there are some things I would only tell God, not even my leaders... I feel bad, but it really is hard to say... Let me just say that when you are just simple like me, you will tend to think that others are as simple as you, but it will only lead to wrong truths, and you will hurt yourself in the end, like running towards a wall which you can't really see yet, but because the ground is a comfortable carpet, you just keep running... And when you hit the wall, you just have no other choice but to fall and end up in the hospital.
I don't want to reach the point of being healed by time and God only, but I want to have a say in my life as well...
"Can I just depend on You and get past this race, or do I need help?" - Alvin.
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 2:16:00 AM
