Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Can't understand what's going on in life, so many things seems to be the end, or a pause, but if I'm to look at things differently, there will be a different result, is that it?
I know that since I have decided to do something, I shouldn't think so much about it anymore, because that decision is made. I miss the old days, but who am I to think that those days will help me anyway? The past is there to reflect and change on, and whatever happens now is the changes of the past.
I've gotta stop cheating myself, even in the smallest of terms, my heart knows what's right, why can't I even listen to my own spirit? I know that by leaving this part of my life I would gain another, but why do I want to keep this part so much?! Memories and feelings can never merge, one last forever, one last only for a moment.
Who am I to decide on what He has already decided many Eons ago? I can't bring my case and enter His courts with righteousness, for I myself know I'm wrong... Hey come on, build up some faith! Even if I win this case, it would only be because He allows free will, but I'm still wrong in the end. Never am I going to win, I can't pit myself against Him, it's wrong and crazy.
I'm just a man, I can't never alter my own fate, I can only improve on it. I believe so that He has created a future that is so wonderfully made just for me, and yet, I still carve out this little path for me to run in and hide. Why prove myself to Him that I can do something different? Why not save the energy and prove to others instead?!
Sorry that I'm so confused right now... But still, I won't decide how I fall. I will decide how I grow, on Your path, and YOURS alone. Pitiful am I, staying on a thin rope while I can walk on the bricks. Anyway, let's see what You planned, alright? I truly give up myself, I don't have the energy to fight You anymore, I know I can't, and I won't.
I look forward to understanding more, even if it means for me to break down more chapters in my life. After all, it's the old chapters I'm getting rid of, this is a new book, a new look, new story, even though it's the same title.
"I will never pit myself against You, whatever You decide, will Be and Must Be mine." - Alvin.
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 11:33:00 PM
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
[
Apologies. ]
I don't have a lot of things going on in my life, and yet I'm feeling confused. But, all of us only have one mind, which means we would one day get confused too.
I thought I understood, but actually I don't. I hope I can make use of this chance to apologise to a few people whom I know, but don't really want to say. I don't know how they feel, really, but that does not give me the chance to start to blame them for failing as friends, I myself have faults too. Will anyone see this? Doesn't really matter if they aren't "them".
Friends, if you all see this, forgive me please? Not just in how I feel about you guys, but in whichever ways I have hurt you all, if you could tell me, please do. I really don't know what I have done to start to lose a friend like you gradually from don't know when till now, or later, but sorry.
"Not just in a way of befriending people, but understanding yourself from their perspective." - Alvin.
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 10:38:00 PM
Friday, March 26, 2010
[ -
Faith is like caffeine - ]
-Part I-
Well, I never thought that I myself have actually two ways of looking at things. Which is seeing things in the normal way, or a "crazy" way.
These few days, after QTs, I keep feeling this rushing feeling in my veins. It keeps me awake, understand what I should do, and also thoughts about impossible things I would think normally.
Well, really just like caffeine, I think as we all continue to pray and have faith, we will just carve it us. Also like caffeine, it will still wear off, so better keep drinking faith! It's not easy to keep the faith level up, so it really takes all of us, taking time off, to just kneel down and pray. Never will it be easy, as some "guy" just gonna try to spoil it all, like adding salt to your coffee.
I'm not sure how things are going to turn out, like what I think or the opposite, but it's still nevertheless best to keep faith up, I've been through the down part of it, and it really stinks. Just thinking about it makes me *yucks*. But still it's nice to finally be able to feel the rush again.
This "coffee", I'm going to drink it for life! Well, it's the only best tasting one and keeps you awake when you need it, or it can even let you rest well if you are feeling stress! Woo, hope Part II comes soon!!
"The downs of life have been hard, but You guided me through still." - Alvin.
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 1:14:00 AM
Sunday, January 10, 2010
[--
Lives changing, including me! --]
It has really been quite sometime since I blog... Oh well, let's get started.
Things have changed a lot around me now, be it be the new ministries I'm in or new friends I'm starting to know around, my last post really showed that I'm being emo for a while.... Looks like it that way.
My friends, many are still here, but some have left... Wonder why, what for they treat me as friends only before and not now? Did I do something wrong? I'm not THAT straight forward, or rather, I don't even know how to go forward.
I really begin to start to learn a lot of things, and being the same usual self is just being plain stupid. I wish I know what those friends are thinking of me right now, of whether I'm even a friend? Maybe. I don't know.
I'm going to enter a new phrase of life pretty soon, after I get that pink slip from my neighbour... But in any case, can I gather courage to call these once friends of mine? Some are still hanging out around me, but still, I guess in words I AM a friend, but in heart I'm just a passer-by.
I have known quite a few wonderful friends now, example Edward, Guo Hua, Wei Qi, Mavrick, Zhi Hui, Randy, and their school gang! XD
Even friends around me for quite some time but only to know a little bit more about them now, like Justin, Beston, Chee Wee, Aaron!
Heh, when the new comes, does the old back off? I'm not sure, I'm not one of my older friends. But one thing I'm sure, I get to have more friends! Hah, I can't get enough of just being around them and seeing how each one of them have their own cool style.
Like Guo Hua doesnt' look much, but pretty good in games, just like Guo Xiang! And Edward who is not just good at studying, but good in relationship with people around him. For once I thought about what would happen if the Kent Ridge guys split up, and still I saw Zhi Hui being very enthusiastic around, when the word "happy" is split up, it has it own's joy too! Mavrick and Wei Qi are really pros in games, and keep denying it, but... ROAR, just wanna pwn them.
Seeing how Chee Wee plays during XRave, made me realised that there's a new level to teamwork, not just the plain "We work together" theory. Beston? I'm still thinking if he's in an international school, will he learn many new languages? Haha!
I'm so looking forward to see how these people around me develop their uniqueness. And I'm so going to improve myself too! Hurray for friends!
"It's not how I have become, but how You have made me to become." - Alvin.
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 5:01:00 PM
Monday, November 2, 2009
[--
Natural disaster of the heart. --]
There are just so many things that I can think which is bad about myself and destroy my spirit. Matters of life are just a bit hard on me I guess... I finally knew what is my biggest weakness : Not being able to even understand my own heart.
I tried to search for dreams that I have inside of me, but failed. Without any vision from God in the past, I'm not sure where in the world would I even be, with an empty heart that cannot think on it's own. I'm always laid back, doing things with ease, to the extent of hurting myself I can also do something if I want to...
I'm always being prompted to do some things, but I'm not sure if it's by myself or God. Some things that I can't face, some things that I can't do to make others happy... I feel bad sometimes, not being able to help with many things. Hahaha, I guess I'm made to really be a helper to others? No wonder my vision includes helping people...
Sigh... If only I can totally control this heart of mine, I will not want to have feelings that will make me emotional. Nothing comes easy, besides... The stupid devil is always there waiting to strike, I wouldn't have anytime to rest.
What Pastor Lia preached really made me come to realise that the next level of 4th dimension is to really have the same mindset as God. I wonder if having the reality of me being a really simple son of God would make me be better in my character? I mean does that applies to this too? I'm not sure...
For now, there are some things I would only tell God, not even my leaders... I feel bad, but it really is hard to say... Let me just say that when you are just simple like me, you will tend to think that others are as simple as you, but it will only lead to wrong truths, and you will hurt yourself in the end, like running towards a wall which you can't really see yet, but because the ground is a comfortable carpet, you just keep running... And when you hit the wall, you just have no other choice but to fall and end up in the hospital.
I don't want to reach the point of being healed by time and God only, but I want to have a say in my life as well...
"Can I just depend on You and get past this race, or do I need help?" - Alvin.
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 2:16:00 AM
Saturday, October 31, 2009
[
Created in a way that I felt different.]
Life is really not just full of surprises, but also people who impacts your life just by saying something that is you, but in another way. I can't really explain what is the main term of being simple-minded, but I keep hearing that about me. If being simple is really not knowing many things of the world, and really just keeping life to a minimum, I guess it's hard to talk to people isn't it?
But as I chat with more people, have more debrief with my ICs, irregardless of whatever ministry it is, I realised that what I have is not what everyone has. What is normal to me is not really normal to others, as my IC, Grace, said :"Impacting."
Through my life, I never thought that I could impact people at all, not even a single bit... Haha, looks like I really grow to love what I have inside me more and more... I wonder how long this simple-mindedness will last, but I will use it to great use before it's gone.
Simple things to me like doing BMI because I really treated it as my house, and that really believes that making this home clean will make people love to stay in it even more. What others' will not do, I will. Another thing is like my reason to join Cafe, is just to see people smile.
I'm not sure what else this heart of mine can do, but it surely has compassion and a very strong conscience inside of it. I can really say that I'm not born to do anything bad at all. My conscience always bug me whenever I do, and I get a strong pinch in my heart that is really painful physically for a few seconds... It even makes me feel weak for a while, and I have to rest for a few minutes. But after becoming a Christian, it doesn't bug me that much already, looks like God wants me to be independent and choose my own actions and consequences in a good way!
"Tests from You shall always be welcomed, and my heart will only grow with it and You." - Alvin
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 2:37:00 AM
Saturday, September 26, 2009
[--
A momentum of Faith. --]
Thinking about what Pastor How preached today, it was really impacting me a lot. It reminded me of many times where God prompted me to do or say something, but I did not. A moment that makes someone happy or sad, I always never had faith in those and kept quiet, but when God wants something done, He get someone else! So after someone else said what I had to, I feel a bit sad. Yeah, feeling sad after not having faith, how faithless am I man...
Returned home earlier before event ended, and feels super accomplished! Hey, I served God today! Starting from BMI, to helping Usher, to BMI and to Cafe and back to BMI, I really can't stop loving to serve! Even Lynette asked me how many ministries I have actually! Hahaha actual fact just two for now... Can't look forward to the next one I am going to join...
I was thinking a few minutes ago on the bus, if I am have great faith at the end of everything, I realised that moments of Faith helps a lot, and really a lot. Looks like I not just need to have faith in all that I do, but to also have faith in whatever God tells me to do! Not just to flow with my leaders, but to flow with God! I really hate you devil, all of my faith that you crushed, I'm going to get it all back! You steal, I fight. I drop, then you pick up! Hahaha ~
Starting from the prayer meeting yesterday, I really started to feel God's vision for the church. I realised that out of many things that I can do, I can really get to pray and help bring God's vision to pass! (Even if we have to do it forever since Pastor How said it's not going to end.) I just came to church a year before, looking back at the insecure, no confidence little boy I was before, I really can see the change in me now.
For my next step, I will grow this seed of Faith and let it bloom not with a "pop.", but with a "boom!" During service today, I was actually asking God to hold my hands and help me with this faith thing, but He told me that it's time that I actually proceed fully to the independence stage, and I just simply nodded my head in agreement. (Wonder if anyone saw it, hope not. Haha.)
"All that You want me to do, I do with a Yes." - Alvin.
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 11:41:00 PM
Thursday, September 3, 2009
[--
Another one of my slacking day. --]
I'm so bored today, tried... And really TRIED to sleep for more than 6 hours, end up looking at the celling for around 2 hours... Yup sounds stupid, but I really have nothing better to do... And when I try to get up, feels like I'm attracted to the bed like a magnet... No wonder people who like to sleep don't really like to get up... Hahaha.
Went to this temple with my Mum just to see my ancestor's grave, and looking at all the people kneeling down, praying... I just know that in some parts I can't compare to them... But to think about it... Most people either pray for good numbers to buy 4D, or just because their loved ones are Buddhists... Well, to say about that, I know that many will not want to be Christians because of the little bit of so call more strict commandments, but well, those little bit of commandments if they don't observe, well, that's sin already.
Usually they just never thought about changing their lives slowly by slowly, but expect either the sudden change in them, or to let things go their way... Just like Pastor said... Many of these people just don't want God to be their Master...
Well, that aside, after coming back home, I realised that BigBen is filling up my facebook wall post with "Notes", so I decided to "Note" him back, and we just started in this little notey war. Haha.
"I can't decide how people be, but I can show people how I am through You. Making You my master, and theirs, that shall be one of the great things I do for You." - Alvin
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 11:03:00 PM
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
[--
A moment of forgetfulness, or is it? --]
I have been wandering about when and why I have been starting to lose my memory... And I just hope that it doesn't get too bad to handle... I have just started to get good memories... Don't want to lose them so early... Some things I still remember, but some I dont... Roar, I need to play more memory games...
Well, just a thought about it though... I'm not going to waste any time to worry for it... If I can't remember the most I'll just search through my head. I'm too free and too busy to think about it. I'll just leave it to till I'm around 60 plus years old...
"I can forget about yesterday and today, but I will never forget about what You have done in my life." - Alvin
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 4:32:00 PM
Monday, August 24, 2009
[--
Friendship last forever, even if it just started. --]
Well, like many humans out there, a lot of us will just lose contact with our friends after some time... Even myself, I have lost so many good friends I once had. I don't want that history of losing 100 plus friends ever again...
A friend whom I think is quite close have told me today that he will be backing off for a while... I know that how hard it is to really take that step of faith to go through this hurdle.
Many times I myself have been very tired to even take up that phone to message a friend. Many times I have thought about resting even a day from God.
Many times I have sined and lied, and those feelings took me down.
Nevertheless, I have gone through those pathetic excuses to get away from God. And today I stand here to say that I'm a servant of God, not just a useless creation.
I will never ever leave my friends alone... It's even fun to just message them every once in a while, because many times, friends just lift up your mood. I just enjoy their company around... Like it is literally a shield from many things... Like bad people, bad cultures... Yup. Well, I will be waiting for all my friends to come back to church one day, not to visit, but to come and stay and serve this great God with me!
"You gave them to me, and I will give them back to You." - Alvin
I will serve You as long as I have breath. 12:35:00 AM
